Well I’m not, that’s for sure. I mean I am still here because I did take those vows and marry you. And despite how horribly selfish you have acted and how terribly mean and disrespectful you have been, I can’t leave. I can’t just walk out and leave because you are my husband. I should have made you work harder. I should have made you prove that you could actually back up something that you said you would do. But I didn’t. I just married you. I took your word because that was enough for me then. And I loved you. So I married you. On hope. On faith. In you. In us. In this unshakeable feeling that I had that you would change. That you did care.

But alas. Here we are. You promising – once again – that you will make this right. That you do in fact love me and that the lies and sneaking behind my back will stop. But I don’t believe you Michael. I d o   n o t    believe you. And it kills me. Because I always use to believe you. Believe that you’d change. Believe that you would actually start treating me right, giving me the truth. The only thing I have ever asked you for. That’s it. Not money. Not presents. Not getting a second job or helping me  with ANYthing. Just the truth. Just the simple truth. Whether it would hurt me or anger me or make me laugh, that is all I have ever wanted from you and it is something that you have never been able to give to me. Why is that? Oh.. you don’t know.. right….

I mean from the beginning you have lied. About Christa. About Amanda. About your divorce. About girls. About everything. Do you know how bad that hurts? Do you seriously know how bad that makes me feel? I don’t think you do. And the sad thing is, I don’t even think you care. That’s the excruciatingly sad part. I honestly don’t even think you care. Like I told you tonight, I feel like you could have very easily just walked away from this the other night. Just another divorce on your record, right? Just another relationship gone wrong. Only I’m not like all your other shitty, horrible relationships. No, I’ve been good to you. I’ve given up everything for you and given everything to you. But it still seems like you could just walk away. And that kills me. And I know you sat there saying that you couldn’t. That you would be a mess without me, blah blah blah, but I don’t believe you. I don’t believe anything you say. And that’s why when I say this is killing me, it seriously is killing me. How do I get past all this? Be patient, right? That’s what you said. I need to be patient. I need to give you time to show me that you’ve “changed.” That you’re not going to keep repeating past behaviors. But how do I do that? How do I be patient when every time I look at you I feel hurt. I feel disgusted. At myself, at you. Because I can’t believe anything that you’re saying. I can’t believe that three months into my marriage I have ZERO trust in my husband. How do we get through this?

I’m not saying that I’m giving up. I’m not saying I’m without hope. Because I will not get divorced. I will not let this break us. But I fear that this has broken me. And of that I am not sure how to fix. I know I need to forgive you. I know I need to move past all of this. God has forgiven me for far worse things I’m sure and so I need to be forgiving. I must forgive my husband. That man that I vowed to love. In sickness and in health. For rich or for poor. Til death do us part. I know that. I truly do. Which is also why this is killing me because even though I know I NEED to forgive you and move on, I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to let it go. Every time your phone goes off I wonder who it is. I hate that. That feeling. This insecurity. It is a terrible, terrible thing and I never thought I’d be here. Not in a marriage. Especially not with you. I trusted you. I believed you. I believed in you. Everything. And what did it get me? Lies. Hurt. Brokeness.

I don’t know what to do. Where to go. And when you say that you know there is nothing that you can do to fix this, well, it only makes it hurt even more because it makes me feel like you’re just being whatever about it. Like I’m the one that needs to get over everything and nothing you do/say will fix it since I can’t believe you anyway so you’re just gonna sit there and hold me if I need to be held? I don’t even know what to make of that. I appreciate you being here, but I need you to do something too. You need to act. You need to do something. I can’t believe the only one trying to fix this. I can’t be the only one trying to take care of everything, always. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. Especially when this is your fault. This is your screw up. This is you breaking me. I shouldn’t be the only one fixing that. So help me Michael. Help me move past this. Show me that I can believe in you. Show me that our love is worth it. Show me that you are willing to do anything to make this work. To get us out of this. To make us “us” again.

My heart is yours. Of that I am still sure. But it is broken now. Broken and sad.

We are married now Michael! Married! Next week will mark our three-month anniversary and that makes me insanely happy. I know things have been pretty heavy lately. We have had a lot going on recently, but knowing that I am by your side, that I am your wife, makes everything seem like it will be okay in the end. I am so happy with where we are at and our plans for the future. I cannot wait to see where we will be moving to or if we will just be staying here in North Carolina. I know God has a plan for us and that everything we have been dealing with recently is just to test our faith. In each other. In Him. In ourselves. . . But I also know and believe wholeheartedly that there is nothing we can’t get through so long as we have each other.

You are my person. My best friend. My one true love. My husband. My partner. For better or worse baby, it is you and me. Our roads to one another have been bumpy at best, but we got here. And so to think that we wouldn’t have our bumps, especially while just starting out would be silly. So don’t worry Michael, I am here, 100 percent, confident in us and ready to grow with you and in our relationship. We just need to keep communicating; keep pressing on. As long as we keep God at the center of our relationship, we will be okay. I think that sermon last week touched us both in different and similar ways.

I know I have a long way to go. I know I need to stop being so sensitive, so insecure. But I also know that I need you to help me with that. And I do know that you will babe. Our love has and will continue to bring us through everything.

Was that confusing? All over the place? I sort of feel like it was. And for that, I am sorry. I guess my head is a bit over-tired and overwhelmed at this point being that we didn’t get much sleep last night with Charly being so sick; poor puppy But work is almost over and then I’ll be on my way home and hopefully you’ll be home shortly after

I love you husband. Forever and always, you have my heart <3

Hi husband. I hope you had a great day  As always, I wish I could have been here when you got home and had a nice supper waiting for you. It makes me happy when I am able to do things like that, like I’m being the sort of wife you deserve; the sort of wife I want to be. I’m going to miss you so much these next few days. I really wish there was a way for you to have come with me, but I know you have to work and so I’ll just look forward to Monday and coming home to you.

We made it through 8 days of marriage; go us!! Ha ha. I love being married to you Michael and I cherish every day that I get to spend with you and have you in my life. I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have a husband like you. I honestly never thought I’d marry at all because I never thought I would find someone that I could trust enough or love enough. But there is no end to the love I have for you. It amazes me endlessly how much I love you and appreciate you more and more with each passing day. I have never known a love like this and my only hope moving forward is to never have to know a day without it. You are my dream, my everything and there is nothing I won’t do for you; for us.

I love you Mr. Martinez. When I spoke to the magistrate the other day, I asked him if he could send me what you see below. Well actually my exact words were “I know this is probably a silly question, but you wouldn’t happen to have the vows you read us still, would you?” – because it totally would have been cool to have that paper he actually wrote our names on or at least I think so – And his reply was “Well I might, but honestly I more than likely threw it out. If you want I can email the vows to you though.” And I was like “OMG! Will you please?!?!” Ha ha, yeah it definitely went something like that; I was ridiculously excited. Anyway, I love you so much. Never forget that. The next five days will be hard without you, but we have done longer so I know we will be just fine. You are the best bubba; never forget that either. And of course, don’t forget about me  See you soon.

Love always & forever,

Your wife

I’m feeling kind of frustrated right now, as I know you are too.  I just have like five million things running through my head and the stress is just eating at me.  I guess that’s part of the reason I got so sick on Friday.  And I know that isn’t good and that I should be able to control my anxiety, but it appears to be controlling me lately and that never makes for a good thing…

I honestly did not think things would be this hard once you were back.  I mean I knew it wouldn’t be fun, having to be up here and you down there, but I did not think I would feel like this.  So lost.  So alone.  So broken.  It is frustrating, especially on the weekends when I’m not doing anything and all I really want to do is be with you.  I don’t care if we had to stare at a wall for ten hours, if I could do it with you by my side and holding my hand, I know I would get through it no problem.  But not having you here to go through things with, well, it is just intimidating and difficult and very, very lonely.

It amazes me how much I miss you still.  I mean it has been like two weeks since I last saw you, but it feels like months.  And I feel like we should be excited because I’m going to be moving down there in like a month and a half, but I feel like we aren’t even excited about it.  Like the stress of finding a job and telling everyone in my family and at work and wondering how things are going to pane out is just eating at us both and it just isn’t good.

I just don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to say.  Honestly, I think I’m getting really scared right now.  Especially with everything you have going on with Christa, well, I just don’t want to add fuel to the fire so to speak.  I’m worried I’m going to get down there and not be able to find a job and then you’re going to feel pressured about money and then with everything else going on, you will just pull away and we’ll be done.  And I guess that is just nerves and fears coming into play and messing with my head; I don’t know.  But either way, it is freakin’ me out and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to say any of this to you and make you feel like I am second guessing this decision or us because I am not, not one little bit.  I want nothing more than to be with you.  If it were possible, I would have packed all my crap this weekend and just drove down there because I am honestly so tired of being away from you.  Shoot, I would have packed everything when you came to visit NY/NJ the first time and just went back with you after your leave was over.

I just really hope I can find a job.  I know if I can do that, things will be much easier and I would at least know I’m contributing financially…

I love you Michael.  I really, truly love you with all my heart and everything I have and I think that is why this is just so hard.  You’re a part of me.  And having you away from me just makes me feel like I’m missing the best part of me.  Because that is what you are, the best part of me.  You’re everything I’ve always needed and everything I never knew I wanted.  It’s crazy I’m sure, but it is true.  You have my heart Mike, I really hope you know that <3

“You are the answer to every prayer I’ve offered.  You are a song, a dream, a whisper… and I don’t know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have.” ~ The Notebook

Kathleen just got a text from Matt saying that you were boarding the plane to fly to Kyrkistan.  That’s exciting   I can’t wait for you to be out of Afghanistan.  I bet it is finally starting to feel like you are coming home now. 

I am really nervous about seeing you, talking about things and figuring everything out.  Especially after talking to you today and you saying how your leave was starting early but not to worry, you wouldn’t just leave me in NC or something.  I mean what am I supposed to make of that?  Sometimes I just feel like I am a burden to you.  I feel like I’m putting so much into this and like it just doesn’t even matter, like I’m just going to end up hurt.  It really worries me and I’m not sure what to make of things.

I am so stressed out right now.  Ugh, I hate feeling like this.  Like I have no control over things.  Like I am just waiting in limbo to see which direction my life is going to take.  I have ran through so many scenarios in my head for the last few weeks about seeing you for the first time and just spending the next week and a half with you.  But rather than be at ease and happy, I am just worried and nervous and it stinks…

I really hope things are okay when we are finally together.  I am honestly just ready for this next couple of days to be over so that I will know how things are.  Nothing makes sense.  I am so confused.

Bianca and Kathleen think I’m crazy ’cause I told them I packed 12 dresses ha ha.  Bianca was like “Girl, you do not need 12 dresses!  You’re never going to wear all of those.  Take some out and take out a bathing suit and quit bringing so many clothes!”  LOL.  I told her I was coming for two weeks so I need a lot of stuff ha.  Kathleen was like “I don’t think I even own 12 dresses.”  I can’t help it though babe, I don’t know what I’m going to want to wear or what we’re going to be doing or what I’ll need.  So I just brought a few dresses and some jeans and t-shirts and tank-tops and a few pairs of shoes, and some jewelry and pjs and beach stuff, etc.  It is so hard being a girl!  I mean if we go somewhere nice, I’m going to need nice things.  Plus I needed to bring running stuff since I don’t know how many times you’re going to want to go.  This is hard work ha.  I still have no idea what I am going to wear at the homecoming day.

Which reminds me… the hotline is saying not to arrive any later than two in the mornin’ on the 30th!!!  So given that they’re giving a time, I am hoping that means y’all will be back shortly after that.  How crazy is that time though!?  That’s going to be a super long two days lol.  But I am so so SOOO excited!!  I really can’t wait to see you Michael.  I am like sitting here freakin’ out because I am just so excited!  It is so crazy to think that it is finally here…

Ohh boy… I think there’s about to be some drama… I just im’d Jordn on facebook and she’s upset about something with Courtney and Shane.  Goodness goodness goodness…

La la la la la HA HA sorry, I’m seriously crazy right now lol.  I can’t help it.  I’m giddy to see you.  To see the ladies.  To not have to go to work!  Ahhh soo many things to be excited about!!!  Especially seeing you!!! Whoo woo  I’m sad I didn’t hear from you today, but at least we got to talk for a while yesterday  I love you lots babe.  Miss you tons.  You have my heart Michael Christopher Martinez <3

It was so good talking to you earlier though.  I think this was the longest conversation we have had since you left; only took seven months to get  you on the phone for 2 hours  I love listening to you talk about things and tell stories.  You’re so goofy babe, I love it.

I’m so excited for you to come home.  I don’t care what you want to do the first night you’re back or whenever really.  As long as you are happy and having fun, that is all that matters to me  So if you want to stay in or go to a movie or go out with everyone else, I am down for whatever babe.  I just want to be with you and I will be happy; it doesn’t matter where we are.

I love you lots Michael.  Miss you so much.  You have my heart <3

I’m starting to get really nervous. Mostly it is an excited nervous, but mixed with a little nervous nervous too lol…

I love you Michael. I hope everything is going well. Miss you lots ♥